Tuesday, 4 September 2012


The goal of our life is to bring more love and truth into the world. We marry to assist each other in this process - Leo Tolstoy

Marriage is a sacred union and beautiful relationship shared between man and woman. One of the sadest and devastating things that can break up relationships and marriages is extra marital affairs. The possibility of an affair happens due to one or more of these several factors:

* Quite intentional
* Driven by emotions gone unchecked due to mutual attraction
* Constant access and working in close proximity with someone of the opposite sex who understands you, finds you attractive, listens to you, appreciates you or shows a deep interest in you, and get along with you fabulously, which you feel is lacking in your marital life.
* Being in constant company of your spouse's friend, cousin, relative whose company you enjoy, someone you totally admire or in awe of, that turns an otherwise platonic relationship into an affair.
* Inbuilt personality traits for infidelity - jumping from one affair to another, as they enjoy the secret rendezvous, the adventure and high,  until familiarity and boredom sets in and he or she needs looks for the next 'awesome person'.
* Neglect, spousal abuse or control, depression, where one is lonely and seeks love, affection and companionship.
* Emotional and physical incompatibility between husband and wife.
* Psychological childhood traumas where one was a witness to intense parental discords or messy divorce, where one grows up with emotional issues which is later reflected in one's own marriage and relationship with spouse.

In almost all cases, a spouse can sense if there is an affair. There will always be tell tale signs through behavior and change in one's schedule, personality and grooming. Some feel guilty yet carry on with the affair because they can't seem to 'get out of it'; they cannot imagine life without the presence of the 'other' person in their lives. Some don't feel guilty of an affair, if they are experiencing a failed or abusive marriage or if a person is hardwired for infidelity. In some cases, an affair can get so serious that it culminates in marriage after both parties divorce their respective spouses. In some marriages, the spouse in question has a stressful marriage or finds responsibilities of a family life consuming. As an anti dote, he/she gets entangled in an affair as an escape route. Affairs always happen through mutual attraction and with full knoweldge of what they are getting into. So the statement, 'I don't know how it all happened', is rather lame. The thrill, the adventure and temporary euphoria, it seems to offer, will at some point die out or face an end when the affair is found out or the time arrives to make certain life decisions.

People who are unhappy in their marriage and cannot make it work at all, can always wait until the marriage is nullified and then find a suitable partner to spend his/her life with. This will cause less agony than an affair which is a total breach of trust that causes inconsolable pain  to the person cheated upon. What can be done to affair proof your marriage?. It's important to do what's right , not what temporarily gives pleasure at the cost of hurting the family. It takes a lot of work, unconditional love, patience, integrity and committment to make the marriage work. Emotions are waves that come and go. Life always introduces us to people we like or admire or have a fascination for. It could be beause the other person is physically attractive or is endowed with positive qualities you connect with and makes a huge impression in your heart.  It's natural to get drawn to people we vibe well with like a magnet. Sometimes listening empathetically  to someone who complains about their spouse instead of dealing with their problems, is looking for a 'way out' which can turn a casual friendship into an affair .  It's how one handles one's emotions in various circumstances, that's important. What choices you make in situations you face. You always have the power to say no to yourself and aim to solidify your marriage. It's very important to put the person your married above everything else. If there is a lot of discord and unhappiness in the marriage, give marriage counselling a chance and see if things can be worked out.

It's vital to express your needs and understand your spouse's needs, be a good friend to your spouse, and not be overbearing or a nag or a control freak that drives him/her away. No one can tolerate verbal or physical abuse or constant aggression in a marriage. It's important to treat your partner with respect and kindness. Communicate with one another. Turn towards your partner and not away. Set personal boundaries so you won't get into an affair in the first place. Invest in your marriage. Do things of interest together. Be affectionate and express your love. Stay away from online dating sites if you are married. Remind yourself of why you married your spouse and the promise of love and faithfullness that you once made. Remind yourself of all the good qualities  your partner is endowed with and be grateful for the presence of your better half.  If you sense something is wrong and it's not your imagination and you are certain, you can always take courage to discuss it with your spouse and even confront the 'other person' before things get out of hand or messy. If you are experiencing a fairly happy marriage, water your garden and make it green and fragrant rather than looking at greener pastures lead by web of desires, which can be quite illusory when the intoxication wears off and reality sets in. Affair proof your marriage by intentionally nurturing your relationship.

1 comment:

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