Saturday, 23 February 2013


A few months back a friend told me that she 'helped' find a nice groom for a young lady who was eagerly waiting to find the right person and settle down. She felt hurt that she wasn't invited for the wedding and she was told later, they forgot to invite her! . Couple of years ago, a very close relative built a beautiful house and the day before her house warming, she phones and tells me how she is holding a small house warming party and she has invited just a few people and she didn't ask me to come either. It was clear to me, I wasn't invited. It was a family affair, so an older relative (the young lady's mom) forced me to go saying my presence was absolutely necessary. Honestly it was so awkward for me to go for an 'uninvited house warming party'. The host pretended not to mind, and I stayed for a short while and left. I swore I'd never ever attend a party that I wasn't invited to, no matter what my relation is with that person. It's just not right.  

I personally feel the host has every right to 'choose' who and how many persons he or she want to invite for that special occasion such as marriage, birthdays, anniversaries, graduation, and so on.  One time I did feel a bit disappointed when another close relative told every family member and friend that his son was going to get married and didn't tell me. Forget the invitation, for this person lives in another country. But telling me that his son is getting married would have been nice on his part.  Oh but wait, he did tell me eventually...4 months after the wedding! So I restricted my response with, 'Congratulations!' rather than 'why didn't you tell me, I already knew about it from everyone else!'

Funnily there is a new trend going on, where the people who are not invited are actually sent a 'You are not invited' alert by email, or on facebook.  I feel that's quite rude and insensitive.   The host should just concentrate on the list of invitees. When the host does not  invite someone, it's only natural that person won't turn up. If the host would like to avoid certain people and  feel the need to inform them, calling them and breaking the news politely can be done as well. Even the most disappointing things can be told in an unhurtful  manner.

I  know some people can become defensive, disappointed or take offence and think, 'why am I not invited?...I know them since so many years...we are such good friends or we are close relatives, how can they invite so and so and not me....'. But is it right etiquette to expect to be invited? Life does have it's little disappointments, but don't let that spoil your peace of mind or your good relations or friendship with the host. 

Let us explore what might be the reasons for not being invited:

* Celebrations, especially weddings can be an expensive affair and it's not possible to invite all the relatives and friends
* The host prefers a small gathering and you don't feature in it as you are friends, but not close enough to be invited 
* You are not important to them as they are to you.
* Due to lack of space in the venue for celebration they had to shortlist the guests 
* They would have liked to invite you, but it was a tight budget party and they had to choose carefully who they wanted to invite and they felt you'd understand
* They didn't consider inviting you at all 
* If it's a limited budget marriage celebration, clearly there are important and unavoidable family and friends the bride, the groom and their parents would invite and there was no way they could have invited you.

As a good friend or caring relative, you can try to understand their limitations or reasons for not inviting. Don't harbor negative feelings towards that person just because you are not invited. Wish well for them. The good feelings you sent out always comes back to you. 

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